Showing Up

WHAT I STARTED TO WRITE...

I have three laptops with me in this hospital room. One for each job I’m doing at the moment. I’d love to have left it all behind so I can focus completely on my Dad and family. But, we still don’t know if we’re in a 5k or a marathon with his health issues. So I have to keep things going. I have a huge event in four weeks. Another in five. And yet another in seven. It’s a crazy load. Even if things were status quo, it would be stupid hard. Now, it feels impossible. All I can really do is take each moment as it comes. As a planner by trade, I am ridiculously uncomfortable. I’d love to be showing up every day with a clear schedule and a clear mind and a clear heart and a clear plan. Instead, everything is as murky as can be. I hate everything about this. Still, I’m here. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

WHAT I WANT TO WRITE INSTEAD...

My Dad and I have shared a lot of hospital moments. Too many, really. Most of them were spent toward the end of my Mom's life. That experience changed us in all the ways you can imagine... and it also bonded us in a way I never expected.

In the 14 years since we were in the throes of my Mom's battle, I have not gotten any better at understanding God's timing, or cancer, or why the end of our lives can be so full of indignity and suffering when all we've ever wanted is peace. (I guess the peace is what comes next.) Although I don't understand any of it, I do have faith that God uses everything. Just as He used my Mom's battle to forge an everlasting bond with my Dad, I believe He will use this season for something beautiful. We won't be able to see the blessings this moment is birthing until we are beyond it. But, I trust that they will be there. Otherwise, death is just cruel and mercurial. I don't ever want to believe that there's no meaning in how our precious lives come to an end.

We didn't know my Dad was sick. We all just thought he was slowing down. He's 85. In his words, he's "had a good life." In the back of our minds, we knew the day would come when he would move beyond this life and join my Mom in Heaven. But, we weren't quite ready for that to happen so soon. No one ever is.

It turns out my Dad has terminal cancer, along with other comorbidities. For many reasons, treatment is not an option. He won't like that I've shared this. Or that anyone might know what he's dealing with. He believes the very knowledge of someone's suffering can be a burden. He also does not want to be fussed over or feel for a second that he has caused anyone discomfort. That's Tom Murphy for you. He doesn't want anyone to have a moment of distress over him. My siblings and I have had to insist that we will be here for him and that he doesn't have a choice. He's giving in partially because he must, and partially because he knows this is what he would do for any of us; just as he did for Mom, and for me during my battle. This is what we do. We show up. Tom Murphy taught us to be these people, and now he has to suffer the consequences.

We do not yet know what the days ahead look like. We only know that they won't be particularly easy. That's okay.

Here is what I believe in my soul:

• Even though my heart is broken and I am weary beyond belief,

• God is carrying us through this and He will remain close.

•  It is a privilege to be with someone when they breathe their last breath, especially if they were with you when you breathed your first.

•  Life is punctuated by these painful passages. These are the moments that shape us into more loving, more faithful, more sapient, and more compassionate humans.

•  Showing up is everything. In fact, it is the thing that matters most.

•  We are all just walking each other home.

  
  

Xoxo, B

P.S. Thank you for your prayers and for respecting my Dad's privacy as we navigate next steps. We still have more questions than answers. But, we are trying to find peace in taking each moment as it comes. My siblings and I often say to one another, "We are all doing our best." We are. I'm proud of us. We are the family Tom Murphy created and built. That says a lot.