Cringey Oversharer

I overshare. I absolutely do. I share personal things; things others think should remain private. I share things that make people feel uncomfortable. And I've lost friends and followers because of it.

I'm okay with that.

My "living out loud" is more calculated than it may seem. I'm sure a few of my posts have gotten a "What the heck is she drinking?" response. But the oversharing isn't an accident. It's not reckless or impetuous. I do it for reasons that are important to me. I'll share them with you.

I grew up in an environment where we did not discuss unpleasant things. Ever. To the extent that unpleasant things became secrets out of fear of upsetting others. For example, Mom had a heart attack and spent several days in the hospital before any of her children knew about it. We found out because she accidentally let something slip in a text exchange. I didn't like that. I didn't like that my parents didn't talk about challenging feelings or the things that hurt them. I get that they thought their silence protected us and made us feel safer. But, for me, it had the opposite effect. I felt unsafe. Uncomfortable. In the dark about things that could potentially damage our family. I also grew up without developing the skills to talk about difficult things. I had to go to therapy to learn to do that. It's an essential life skill that children learn through modeling. Growing up with parents who wouldn't say hard things made me struggle to express them, too. I learned that putting on a happy face- even if it was performative and fake- was what was expected of me. It took a lot of work to unravel that.

I also grew up in an environment that predisposed me to abuse. I suffered abuse- in many different forms- until I refused to allow it anymore about 20 years ago. Healing from that abuse meant talking about terrible things until they lost their power. I learned that guilt and shame are useless (I'm not talking about accountability... that's different). And I honestly won't return to a place where I feel any kind of embarrassment for who I am and what I feel. Shame kept me trapped for most of my life. I'm not ever going back into that prison.

I also grew up in an environment that made me feel largely disconnected from others. Because there were secrets. Because we were afraid to be "real." Because I didn't trust people. Over the past two decades, I have been as real as I know how to be. That way, others know exactly who they're dealing with. They either love and accept me. Or they don't. But the connections I have are precious because they are based on deep understanding.

I've also come to learn that courage begets courage. When I'm brave in sharing my story and my truth, it helps others to be a little more brave in sharing theirs. Generally. I can also be held up as an example of who not to be on social media. But I'm not too concerned about that.

Finally, I want to remain as human as possible. In a world that is increasingly digital, increasingly artificial, increasingly dark- where we are repeatedly exposed to so many horrible things before breakfast- I want to hold tightly to my very human feelings. I think often about Matthew 24:12: "And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold." I do not want to grow cold. I sometimes find myself wanting to be numb because it's hard to process so much bad news. But writing and sharing keeps me feeling. I need that!

Add to all of the above the fact that I'm an introvert who doesn't like small talk and you've got the cringiest, oversharingest cocktail there is. That's me! A big gulp of mess that's real and true and kind and loving and warm and (increasingly) wise. If I cared about what people think, I would have shut down the blog in April before it even began. The only opinion I truly care about is my husband's. He's perfectly supportive. I ask him often if what I've shared has made him uncomfortable. He hasn't once said, "Yes." He loves me. All of me. That's an incredible gift. One I'm glad I waited five decades to find so I could be healed and ready to receive it!

So, yeah, I'm a cringey oversharer. And I'm probably not going to change. Actually I know I won't. I've chosen this and it feels true and authentic to me. I can't imagine being anything else.

Xoxo,

B