You Look Great

Who doesn't love to hear the words, "You look great"?

If I'm being honest, sometimes those words make me cringe.

Hear me out.

My Mom had pancreatic cancer and battled for two hard years. She lost a lot of weight during that time. A lot. I would say she lost somewhere around 50 pounds. She had been overweight prior to her diagnosis. Overweight most of her adult life. She tried all the things available to women in the 1960s through 1990s. I even remember her having one of those exercising belt machines when I was a kid. And, man oh man, did she get cranky when we tried to play on it.

Mom just had one of those bodies. Bigger bones. Lots of curves. Soft. She also had a bit of a penchant for stress eating, which she replaced with stress smoking (because that was another weight loss "trick" back in the day; one that ended up killing her). Thing is, Mom was a beautiful, full figured woman until the last two years of her life. Then, her chemo cocktail and the ravages of her cancer took her down to what many would consider an average weight.

Because I spent most of those last two years by her side, I was with her when people told her: "You look great." Friends, my Mom did NOT look great. She looked sick. Glassy-eyed, jaundiced, ill. What she didn't look was overweight anymore. And knowing the women who offered up this "compliment" to her- the same women who repeatedly tore her down when she was plus size- I could tell that the "You look great" was more about her weight than anything else.

Can you imagine hearing the words you've always wanted to hear from people you've known your entire life only because you lost some weight THROUGH CANCER? Clearly, I'm still upset about it and I'm a dozen years down the road. There were people who were awful to my Mom for too long, even when she was dying. It made me sad for my mother. And sad for them, honestly. Because they were all victims of the same system that rewards women for being thin and docile and obedient, and punishes them for taking up space.

Since then, I've been hyper aware of when people offer up a "You look great." I could be wrong. Maybe it's just my prejudices at play. But, I would swear that people say it most when someone has lost weight. That's when I'm on the receiving end of those words. When I'm thinner. When my dress size is smaller. When I'm flirting with "skinny."

I feel like "You look great" is one of the most common ways to acknowledge and congratulate someone for dropping pounds. Better than, "Hey, you look like you lost some weight." For sure. And it isn't wrong at all to compliment someone when they've gotten healthier. Losing weight is hard. I know. I've been fighting that battle for years. BUT WEIGHT SHOULD NOT BE THE FIRST THING WE NOTICE ABOUT SOMEONE, THE PRIMARY THING WE COMPLIMENT SOMEONE OVER, OR THE ONLY THING WE CHOOSE TO CELEBRATE ABOUT SOMEONE'S APPEARANCE.

Am I right?

Why are we walking around with these weight goggles on? I'm guilty of it, too. A celebrity gains weight... I notice. A celebrity loses weight... I notice. A friend drops 20... I see it. She gains 20... yep, I see that also. It's obvious, but I feel like we're too programmed to pay attention to the most basic, superficial things about one another. And we don't work hard enough to see beyond that.

I challenged myself a few months ago to start complimenting people. Strangers mostly. I tell them I love their outfits. Their shoes. Their eyes. Their smiles. These are superficial things. No doubt. But, I'm talking about strangers here. And I'm training myself to see people in ways that help them see themselves. When a stranger tells you she likes your outfit, that's amazing. It can truly make your whole day.

When I start to know people better, the compliments get deeper. "You're so great to talk to." "You make me feel at ease around you." "I love how curious you are." "It's a joy to see how much you love your family." "You're such a hard worker." You get the drift. Again, I'm training myself to see people in ways that help them see themselves.

I've got some personal motives for this. I want to give people what I wish my Mom had: a world in which who we are matters more than what we weigh. I also want to give myself the ability to see Briana beyond her number on the scale.

I've hated myself into being skinny many times throughout the course of my life. Last year, I lost 40 pounds. It was tough. People noticed. I heard, "You look great." Then, life happened and the holidays came around, and I ate and lived. I brought 15 of those lost pounds back into my life and I'm trying to gently persuade them to depart again. Without hurting myself physically or emotionally.

For a long time, all I could focus on was the number. The squishier belly. The fuller face. In essence, I was every mean girl my Mom and I had ever encountered... but I was bullying myself. How gross is that? So, I started complimenting myself instead. "Your skin looks glowy today." "You look like you're going to be a badass this week." "I love how kind your heart is" "You're a good mama and a good wife." Maybe If I can train myself to see me in this way, other people will look deeper, too. Maybe other people will see my example and be kinder to themselves as well.

Seeing beyond weight can take practice. It does for me. It takes intention also. But I believe I'll get there. And I know I'm making my mama proud, too.

Xoxo, B

P.S. You really do look great. Right now. Just as you are. Messy hair. Jammies that maybe you dribbled some coffee on. I love seeing you at peace. Reading. Resting. Growing your heart. It makes you look so kind and open and approachable and human. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. <3