One in Five
TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains references to sexual assault and may be upsetting. It all ends in healing. But, it isn't an easy read to begin with.
It was a hectic Monday afternoon at work when my daughter called. I almost always answer when she rings. It's important to me.
She was sobbing so hard that she could barely speak. "Mom, something happened," she said. I think my heart left my body as she started to tell me that she had been sexually assaulted the night before. Her roommate's boyfriend was staying over. At some point, he left her roommate's bed and entered my daughter's. That's when he assaulted her.
"I don't know what to do," she cried. I immediately launched into "mama bear" mode and connected her with a dear friend in Los Angeles that she could stay with. Then, I cleared my schedule so I could go be by her side.
Because my daughter has shared this story and because we agree it's important, I can tell my version of it here. But I knew then, as I know now, that every survivor has a right to determine if and how their story is told. They should also have complete agency over how they respond to what has happened to them. I let my daughter lead what took place after the assault, and she knew she had my full support no matter what she decided to do.
Once my daughter and I were together, I understood that she wanted to report what happened. She did not go to the police or the hospital immediately after, which is common. She was in shock. And scared. And, as I said, there is no wrong way for a survivor to react. Being assaulted is horrible, traumatic, and absolutely upending. And to have It happen in your own home- your safe place- is particularly wretched. Once she had gotten to safety and knew I was there, she felt ready to do what she could in that moment.
The next day, we were sitting in the Dean's office. My daughter courageously told her story. She named names. She knew what had happened was wrong and she didn't want it to happen to anyone else. I still burst with pride when I think of her strength. I still collapse into sadness when I think about how much was taken from my child; the person I love most in this world.
The Dean- who had sadly sat across from other survivors before- explained what my daughter's options were. She could go to the police, but she had to know that they probably wouldn't do anything without evidence, which could further traumatize her. She could move to a new apartment. She could start counseling. The school would trespass the assailant and issue a "strong warning" to Hope's roommate that she could not allow him into college housing or on campus from that point forward. It wasn't quite enough, but it was something.
It's strange how an episode so emotionally traumatizing can result in such an impassive game plan. I drove my daughter back and forth to class until she felt safe doing it herself (and prayed the entire time I never encountered her assailant because I would most definitely be in prison now if I had). Her father joined us as soon as he could. We got her situated in her new housing. And life kept moving, as it does. Even though we were not at all ready for it. She was definitely not ready for it.
The way someone can be re-victimized after reporting an assault is exactly why so many survivors stay silent. My daughter's roommates- one of which she had known since her freshman year of high school- accused her of fabricating the assault. (Years later, they would realize the truth and try to apologize... way too little and way too late). They enlisted mutual friends in a smear campaign against my daughter. My daughter had to move into an apartment with strangers- younger classmates- who she did not have much in common with. She lived in fear. She lived in shame. She lived in anger. And she questioned herself, as many survivors do, because that's part of the burden all victims share.
As a creative, my daughter used her art as an outlet. She also went down the road many survivors do... the road of trying to desexualize ourselves so we won't be attractive to potential offenders. She shaved her head. She closed herself off. She painted. She drew. She wrote. All of it revealing the darkness she was walking through. It was hard to watch. Seeing how she has come through all of that and how much she has overcome makes my mama heart so proud. How I wish I could have prevented and protected her from all of it. The only thing that brings me peace is knowing that so much of her inner strength comes from her survivorship.
About a year into her healing, my daughter shared her story on a social media forum which doxes assailants at her school. I was as proud of her as I was shocked to learn that many college campuses actually have social profiles to publicly reveal predators. That's how common sexual assault is on campuses throughout our country. None of that existed when I was assaulted during my sophomore year. Not that I would have done anything about it. I didn't even tell my college roommate, who was in the next room when it happened.
I was silent for all the reasons many victims of assault are: I felt ashamed. I felt guilty. I felt like I may have deserved it because of the situation I put myself in. I didn't want to cause drama with my roommate or mutual friends (it was her boyfriend's friend who attacked me). I feared stigmatizing and retaliation. I didn't want to relive the incident over and again. I just wanted to pretend it didn't happen. I wasn't nearly as strong as my daughter when I was her age.
According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center way back in 2015, one in five women in this country will experience completed or attempted rape during their lifetime. Some 80% of women will report being a victim of sexual aggression or violence. That's just those who report. I would estimate the actual numbers are much higher.
I know too many women who have been raped. It's shocking how many. I'm glad they've shared their hard stories with me. Not because it happened, of course. But because we need to talk about it. We need to be aware how common it is. We need to be sad how common it is. And we need to be pissed to the point of action about how common it is.
I mean, we may be screaming into the abyss about sexual violence- given that we actually have lists of known pedophiles and traffickers in our country and have DONE NOTHING to bring them to justice- but I won't stop talking about it until women (and girls) are safe.
Here's what I believe happens when we share our sexual assault stories:
The assault loses its power to make us feel ashamed and guilty.
We open ourselves up to others who can provide compassion and support.
We continue the journey of healing.
We start to mobilize in creating change.
We give survivors courage to come forward.
We show women that we believe them.
I don't believe the change we require should be focused at all on women's behavior. We've directed a ton of resources toward helping women be less vulnerable (self defense, personal protection devices, situational awareness training, etc). But that was never the problem. The problem has always been men. Men who are raised from the time they're boys to believe that the world- and everything in it- belongs to them. We've also gone way soft when it comes to consequences. This is wrong on many levels.
In this moment we occupy, we witness very little punishment for bad behavior. That's exactly why we need to call it out. We also need to start raising boys to understand that violence is wrong, consent is non-negotiable, and there is a cost for behaving poorly. That may not feel like the reality we are living in, so we have to work even harder to make it so. If you're a boy mom or dad, this is a commitment you need to make. And if you're a man, you need to take a very clear stand that sexual assault is unacceptable in every single conceivable context.
We also need to BELIEVE WOMEN. My God. I could write a book on that topic alone. It's inexcusable that our sisters should suffer in silence or isolation. It is inexcusable that my daughter's "friends" found it more comfortable to discredit and malign her than to believe and support her. Women re-victimizing women is about as repulsive as it gets. Sexual assault will continue to be as common as it is until we start holding ourselves accountable.
One in five (or more) is too many. Let's keep sharing, talking, and working until all women are safe.
Xoxo, B
P.S. I fully support these resources for victims of assault:
P.S.S. If you are a survivor who needs a safe place, I am here.
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