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Sandy Murphy- my late mother- would not dare to leave the house without her hair and makeup fully done. It didn’t matter where we were going. Grocery store. KFC drive thru. The park. Fishing. Every destination required the same amount of grooming effort. As a kid, I found this annoying because it took forever for her to apply her liquid eyeliner and tease her hair into voluminous submission. It was also imprinting. I absorbed my mom’s values surrounding appearance. By the time high school rolled around, I was up at 4 am daily to ensure my makeup and manicure matched my painstakingly-coordinated outfit, and that I melted enough Aqua Net into my hair that my perm would reach the heavens until afternoon cheer practice. I’m exhausted by the very memory of it.

Natural beauty was not a thing for the Murphy girls. When I went away to college, though, my thinking began to change. Or, actually, I was probably so damn tired and hungover most days that the idea of refreshing my nail polish seemed psychotic. The preppy pleated jeans, popped collars, and loafers that matched my bold plastic earrings were eventually replaced with leggings, oversized concert t shirts, and scrunchies. Makeup? Nah. If I wasn’t seeing my boyfriend that day, my face didn’t need to see foundation or mascara. I think I was realizing how draining it was to be so “done up” all the time. It felt a little confusing as well. I wondered what the point was in presenting such a carefully-crafted facade to the world. Who was it for? I even felt a little envious of the sporty girls. My first roommate was one of them. She hardly ever applied makeup. Or blew out her pixie cut. And she looked amazing. I wanted a little more of that. Then, the 90s hit. And everyone was wearing makeup. A lot of it. All the time. So, I did as well.

Over the years, I’ve vacillated between wanting to be more natural and feeling like I should be more made up. Beauty trends have been all over the place, too. We’ve been through the blue days of blue eyeshadow and eye liner and mascara. We’ve survived the goth era. No one asked for black lipstick. Yet, there it was. We’ve overplucked our eyebrows, let them grow back as caterpillars, and decided it wasn’t okay if they weren’t microbladed into permanent perfection. Eyelashes… I can’t. False, elongating mascara, thickening mascara, extensions, etc. You can honestly spend thousands on cosmetic procedures to achieve a more natural look. Let that sink in. And please don’t get me starting on contouring, shading, and highlighting. As much as I have done my share of makeup, I cannot understand a toolbox full of brushes and sponges. It’s all so overwhelming that I probably haven’t substantially changed my makeup in at least two decades. I also don’t know anything except "no makeup" and "full makeup.” There is no in between. Maybe I’ll make the full makeup darker for a night out, but I really do not comprehend daytime vs. nighttime makeup. I only know how to do what I do and I hope it’s okay. I’m not brave enough to go to a makeup artist to find out, though, because I don’t have the willpower to say no to the $500 worth of mineral foundation and eyeshadow they’d convince me I need (it’s happened before… I don’t know if I’ve recovered yet).

When my husband and I first started dating, I was nervous to let him see me without makeup. Yes, I was THAT crazy girl who woke up before dawn, quietly applied under eye concealer and mascara, and crawled back into bed waiting for him to awake and see how lovely I was. That cracks me up. Mostly because I wasn’t fooling anyone, and now he goes days at a time without seeing a stitch of makeup on my face. I hope he doesn’t think it was false advertising back then. Over the years, he's just made me feel so comfortable and loved as I am that I stopped trying too hard. That’s been really refreshing… and healing.

I went au natural often during the pandemic. I found out what my real hair color actually is while waiting for my stylist to work out a “safe,” yet totally unsanctioned makeshift salon in his backyard. I sometimes only did my makeup from the eyes up, but left the masked portion of my face clean and clear. Then, something really sinister snuck up on us. Apps like Zoom and Microsoft Teams exploded with the remote working population. Suddenly, many of us were on camera all the time. And, in the past five years, virtual meeting platforms have become an integral part of most workplaces. Now, I average 5-10 on-camera meetings per day and nearly every meeting requires me to present myself professionally. That means being camera ready by 6am most weekdays. I thought I was fatigued by the early alarms and constant getting ready. But, I’ve learned recently there are actually mental health strains on those of us who spend our days on video calls.

I never knew that there’s something called “mirror anxiety.” That’s what we feel when we spend a lot of time looking at ourselves. I feel it at the hair salon, for example, when I cannot seem to get away from my own reflection. And now, I feel it at work all the time, too. I’m spending hours a day looking at myself. Not intentionally. But mostly because I cannot escape it. It’s like looking in a mirror, feeling as if people are studying you, and taking a selfie all at once. Psychologists say it’s a form of self-objectification. Being confronted with our own image on the regular has created another level of self consciousness most of us are ill-equipped to deal with. It has also made us a bit more detached from ourselves. We see ourselves mostly in terms of our outward appearance. So we spend more time on that while spending less and less time on our emotional and physical wellness. High levels of self-objectification can spiral into eating disorders, increased anxiety, depression, and more.

Our hyper fixation on appearance has bolstered the most extreme and predatory version of the beauty industry we’ve ever seen. I can barely get through a nightly doom scroll without being tempted by a zillion promises of beauty, youthfulness, and better gut health. Am I supposed to have “glass skin”? Is it not okay to have ANY wrinkles? Do I need a custom shampoo for my hair? Is it bad that I can’t afford those little collagen needles? Is there enough red light in my life? Enough SPF? Enough retinol? Enough protein? Enough sleep? Enough hydration? Enough hyularonic acid? Enough zinc?

When does it end?

If I’ve been wrestling with beauty image since I was a child, having watched my mom and her mom and her grandma struggle with it as well, the end doesn’t really seem imminent. I’m also not getting any damn younger. Have you ever noticed a “new” wrinkle during a Teams meeting?! I have… and it’s really challenging to focus on floorpans and fire regulations when you’re turning into a raisin right before everyone’s eyes.

Virtual meeting apps have filters, sure. Backlighting is always possible. I like to elevate my laptops, so I have better camera angles and more desk space. Some people dress from the waist up and express their freedom in their lower hemisphere. I’ve witnessed use of avatars, even when it’s not remotely appropriate for the environment. I have seen that you can turn off your view of yourself in Teams, but I find it a little disorienting and forget what I’m doing when I have a Zoom or Google Meet appointment. Hey, some folks just turn off their cameras altogether and let their AI-generated headshots represent. That’s a tough one. It’s already hard to connect with colleagues while working in different places. It’s difficult to gauge what people are thinking or feeling when you can’t see their faces. Heck, it’s impossible enough to recognize people when you see them in person for the first time (I don’t know if you’re tall, petite, curvy, thin, or whatever because I’ve only seen you from the chest up) let alone if you rarely see their face. It’s kind of an unwinnable proposition. I’m not advocating a return to the office by any means. I feel privileged to work at home. But I do love a break from seeing my own face, and I really love getting to see others’ faces in person. There’s an essence to people you just can’t experience through a webcam.

On occasion, I have let myself go all the way rogue, makeup free, and filterless to the extent I’ve looked like a cholera patient in meetings. I’ve also shown up in workout clothes and what I would characterize as daytime jammies. But, I’ve decided that’s not really the version of me I want to present to the world. So, I choose my outfits and blow dry my hair the night before my 6am meetings to save some time. I wake up at 5:15, guzzle strong coffee, throw on the only version of makeup I know how to do, and smile when I hear that “boop” signaling the start of a Teams call. During the meeting, I focus hard on everyone else. Sometimes I catch others fixing their hair or makeup, as if in a mirror, and wish I could give them a break from all of this. I try really hard to give myself as many breaks as I can. The dog. The garden. The leftovers in the fridge. Simple pleasures that reconnect me with the physical world when the virtual world becomes too much.

Personally, I don’t think we were meant to live in screens. I don’t think we were meant to wear 16 different cosmetics on our faces every day. I don’t think the world feels bigger when I work with people from all over the globe who I’ll never get to meet. Instead, it feels a little more lonely. And I don’t think it’s healthy or normal for us to only see the most contrived versions of one another. That doesn’t feel real.

I know these are the times we live in. I certainly don’t make the rules. I only hope not to lose myself in the game. Maybe that means learning about daytime makeup and unblurring my background. For sure it means a little less FaceTime and a lot more face time.

Xoxo, B