Aging, Easter, and this Whole Thing

I was born the day before Easter. In 2015, my birthday fell exactly on Easter Sunday. It’s happened again this year. And, it will repeat in 2037 (I’ll be 68), then 2048 (my 79th birthday), and then not again until I’ll be in Heaven. I hope to celebrate those next two Easters on this side. And I hope they’ll feel as meaningful and special as today does.

When my birthday aligned with Easter in 2015, I nicknamed it “Meester.” Completely no disrespect to Jesus or the real reason for the holiday. I simply love Easter and everything it represents. So, to be able to celebrate my birthday on such a special day feels, well, extraordinarily special. Yesterday I got to celebrate with my daughter and her partner. Today I’ll go to church with my wonderful mother-in-law, followed by a celebration lunch with Tim and our parents. It couldn’t be more perfect. And I’m letting this moment carry all the meaning it should and all I’m adding onto it. Easter is a new beginning. I’m letting Meester also be the beginning of a new season for me.

I’ve been spending this year doing a lot of healing and reconciling and letting go. All of that takes work. A ton of work. But there’s no way to begin anew without shedding what’s holding you back. I realized I’ve been holding onto a lot of bad blood, bad habits, bad situations, and bad relationships. This isn’t a therapy session, so I don’t need to deconstruct the process for you. I’ll just say that I’m aware now of how I need to move forward. I’m excited.

One thing I will share is that I have let my health- and my worries about my health- hold me back for almost a decade. In November, I’ll celebrate my 10-year Cancerversary. That’s a big damn deal. But out of fear of recurrence… and out of fear that my bad habits will demand their consequences… I have not walked in the freedom of being free of cancer for nine whole years. There’s a fuzzy line between acting out of an abundance of caution and acting out of fear. The caution part has kept me getting my screenings and doing all the things a cancer survivor/middle aged woman should do. The fear part has had me mentally traveling down the road of illness every time my bloodwork looks off or there’s some new spot on a scan.

You cannot fully live when you’re afraid you’re going to die. That’s the truth. To be clear, I haven’t been afraid because I fear death itself. What Easter represents is the promise that I have so much to look forward to after my time here. It’s mostly that I’ve been afraid to die before I finish what I’m here to do. I’m afraid to die before I know my people can be okay without me. I’m afraid to die knowing there’s still more living for me. As the saying goes, “I will not die an unlived life.” Not gonna do it.

So what does all that mean? It means controlling what I can when it comes to my health. I am not going to allow what’s not good for me mentally or physically. AND it means no more wasting time.

Again, not a therapy session. Also not a job interview. So I don’t have to outline my plans here. The only thing I will share is that I have known since I was a little girl that I am here to gather, create, and share stories. I have detoured from that path and it has pained me. I think whenever we’re misaligned with our purpose, we can feel it in our souls. I’m not willing to live that way anymore. Thankfully, I don’t need to.

I’m making a little commitment publicly (it helps with the accountability) that, starting today, I’ll be sharing weekly Sunday Essays, Sundessays. If people read them, cool. If not, equally cool. They’re for me and mine, and my Jesus. They’re to honor this life that I’ve been given, these years I didn’t expect to have, and these Meesters.

That’s all I know to share at this time. Thanks for reading this far. Thanks for being part of my life. It has been such a full and rich and truly blessed 57 years. I really cannot believe this life has been mine. I do believe, though, that the best is yet to come.

Love you. Bless you. Happy Easter. Happy NEW Beginnings to All of Us!

Xoxo, B

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